Once there lived a girl...

so i plan on ringing in the new year at home on my comfy couch. it is decided and i am excited :) maybe i’ll visit my familia on the parade route but i d k. 

so golfing, then probably rose bowl if it’s even allowed…then more more more exercise and then a few beers and TV/a movie then sleep. and maaaaybe meet up with a friend.

tonight was pretty frustrating because i got yelled at for no reason whatsoever. why is he allowed to invite random people to the wedding and i can’t invite two ppl? what ever. it is your wedding so i’m just gonna hush and try to enjoy myself. yeah we’ve definitely drifted apart. ….sad…it makes me sad. but oh well, life happens. 

that’d be pretty awk if i get accepted to teachNOLA cuz then we’d be in the same city…meh I probably won’t get accepted cuz I mean come on it’s ME we are talking about. ugh I hate it when i get in these moods its so depressing. i hate me.

it makes me afraid because i feel like i’m never gonna get better. and i guess it’s kind of like what pastor spoke about today. blahhh I’m such a failure. i can’t even forget the past correctly. ughhhhhh

It is now time to exercise. Just got back from bible study and it went awesome! So gud. I really don’t feel like exercising but gotta keep going! 20lbs and more to be sweat off yayyyuh. I am honestly proud of myself thus far. Jeans are saggy already and shirts fit me bigger and looser. change coming and i like what i see. Mind Body & Soul.

AOH AND I got a call from Think Together today and they want to set up a pre-employment test & interview :D So stoked! It’s such a blessing and I really hope I am able to work for them. I would LOVE TO begin working with kids and getting paid for it. Still gonna stay volunteering at schools and what not though. I love it. God is grand.

SO I just weighed myself and I have lost 20 lbs! It honestly doesn’t feel that way but I do feel a difference in the way my clothing fits + everyone and they mamas telling me I am looking good/ losing weight. haha “What’s your secret?” Work out, eat healthy. DUH.

i haven’t exercised since Friday and I ate soooooo MUCH today but I guess it’s valid because I played basketball. But I was wearing sandals so I wasn’t even running like crazy but I was running.s;dhdfjfgdlhjasb horrible.

Tomorrow I need to wake up, exercise, go to the grocery store, clean, cook, walk my dogs and exercise again. And watch Breaking Bad and the Dodgers show. :] This week home alone +mybro shall be good. 

Haven’t blogged or bitched or what ever it is I do here in a while. This weekend was spectacular. The All-Star game was so fun to watch and I have been exercixing err day so I am quite impressed and happy with myself.

Tomorrow Gerson, Ricky, Becks and I will go visit Jesse in Rancho. Super excited to spend the day with him in his apartment/pool/wherever. Going to a youth group he recently started going to so that should be fun. 

I’ve been doing really good with not over-eating and eating a bunch of bad fatty foods, and if I do I go hard when I work out. 

Excited to see my babe Frank Ocean on Tuesday at the Wiltern. Life’s pretty swell for now. I need/want a new job but am not sure if I should get one just yet considering I am going to be taking 19+ units this semester. Definitely going to get a job after though. No exceptions. I hope I get blessed with a good one… sdaglhdjsfbdhjsa God please, if you will it.

honest to God, i don’t even feel like graduating anymore. Not in May anyway. Maybe I need to just focus on getting a mother fucking job since money is such a grand issue in this damn household. my mom takes everything to the next level. My dad is fucking negative natalie and I am just over it. Fuck everything. The worst part is I have no one to blame but myself. It’s me who got on probation back in my freshman years, me who recently turned things around and got serious about college, me who got my financial aid taken away. I’m so over it. This is all my fault. Worst part is I feel like I have NO ONE to confide in. Jasmin will surely tell her parents and i really hate that. Christina is miles and miles away. Val is super busy with her own life. Adrian is M.I.A from my life. Rebecca is the closest thing I got but she already has a lot on her plate with her gramps being in the hospital and idk I’m in a rut. 

GOD Please, help, if you wanna. If not, it’s cool. I understand why things wouldn’t work out the way I want them to. You’re in control. Romans 8.28

Ughhh I have a feeling this is gonna escalate more before it comes crashing down. My parents are gonna get into another fight. Just exactly what had already driven them apart in 08 is gonna keep happening forever. You’d think that now that they’re divorced they wouldn’t fight so damn much. FUCKCKCNC;JDKBDHJBFDSBAJHSJDKSASHWOSDH 

And then this whole losing weight thing feels like its not working even though everyone is telling me it is i dont believe it. im always gonna be that fat girl who secretly hates herself even though she pretends all the time that everything is peachy. lol. so unworthy ;ierubfdsabhjsbgrvfcdewsa God please spare me. Please. I was so excited for this semester and it feels like everything is just blowing up right now. because it is, slowly but surely. and i want to just pray and forget about it, put it in Gods hands. and in a sense, i am doing just that but my God, I can’t fully. 

what does it even mean when someone tells you  ”I meant to text you today & I forgot :{ i was cutting a tree” what.

p.s i need to exercise the hell out of my body later today~ :] and jeeezz snakebite.:3

am i quietly developing feelings for you? :| scares me a bit, but at least you’re not like the other two assholes that i spent my time on in the past. kind of excited about where things will go. 

what it isssss

debating on spider-man with the boys or working out for an hour and a half….i think i’m gonna workout. 

so once again the Dodgers lose. It’s sort of becoming their thing. Like they are remembering last year and missing it. STOP IT NAO.

Anyway, tomorrow should be nice. Golf with dad, alabanza practice, and church. I have been keeping up with exercising and eating right so I am proud! A few pairs of underwear that used to fit me super tight and annoyingly now fit perfectly THUMBS UP! :D 

Saturday shall be spectacular at the beach, I just hope my period doesn’t come yet. Also, I need money. Probably gonna have to ask my dad for it. And gonna have to figure out how to pay for tuition this semester. 2 more semesters and I am a college grad. Crazy. That is all for now. 

omg im so embarrassing #killmenow D: from now i on i stop

why is the male species so freakin’ good looking? ahlsabfjdghvfriulw i can never compete, too fea to score a good lookin male..

okay so i ate so bad today and it’s midnight and i want to work out but can’t bring myself to do it D: because i don’t wanna be super tired for the rose bowl in the AM but fuck it i ate a lot today. 

Hiking is not my forte. Today we hiked Eaton Canyon to the first waterfall. It was pretty fun but jeeez was I tired! And I still am pretty tired. Legs are soo sore but that means I worked myself well! My mom said “you are losing weight!” so I guess I’ll believe her for now. Keeping at it even though today I treated myself with cheesy fries and a hot dog >.<

Tomorrow I am back at it again, gotta find some time to exercise NO MATTER WHAT! Probably in the evening when I get home from the meeting and alabanza practice. Anywho, gonna go watch more Breaking Bad and think about how great God is. :0]

Had such a wonderful walk/jog around the Rose Bowl today :] It was really nice and tomorrow we are going hiking at Eaton Canyon to the waterfall! & I am eating a tostada salad with no regrets! probably gonna be my last/ only large meal of the day. It should keep me quite full. I’ll probably have half a pear and string cheese later @ 6ish. Hopefully I am not forced to eat at Pastor’s house >.< Ellie cooks bomb buuuut I’m on a dieta! Anywayzzzz good day! :}

put your mind at ease//

for you know that He works for good

He works for good

And we love him//

i feel better when i tell my mom things. i just told her about the sap bullshit and she is like wtf that’s stupid you’ve been doing so good in school and now they’re bringing up things from the past?  i hope and pray to God that I can get my financial aid back. If not, hopefully I can get a loan from the bank before school starts/tuition is due or my parents can rack it onto one of their cc’s. ughhh it sucks that my past still comes back to haunt me—one year before graduation. I paid for it by having to retake those classes. give me a fucking break!!! :(

i can never catch a fucking break. this sap shit is really breaking me down. im so fucking close to graduating and now fafsa wants to cut me off! I can’t graduate without the funds to do so! -____- GOD PLEASE HEAR ME. I need this, I want this, I want my grandparents to see me graduate, I’m doing this for them and for the betterment of my life. PLEASE O GOD HEAR MY PRAYER.

this sucks. i hope to get good news back. blah.

Today was really swell. Had a bombtastic dinner made by jaz’s auntie. Pesto pasta, green and yellow zucchini in garlic and olive oil, broccoli, sourdough bombness bread, and salad with kale cranberries and olive oil, salt and lemon for dressing. SO GOOD! And healthy <3

tomorrow i’m gonna wake up at nine-ish to make myself  pb & banana toast, then workout, then probably clean the bathroom/begin painting and rose bowl walk/run in the afternoon. OH and hopefully I can wash my puppers and take them on a walk tomorrow too…maybe i’ll take them to the rosebowl…maybe only one of them because i don’t think i can handle three dogs haha. 

k i wrote too much, OH but I weighed myself and apparently haven’t lost shit so I’m kinda annoyed but the workout today was good soooo idk, i just feel better. i really want to be fit! Motivated.

Obviously hungry so instead I will just post foodz I can’t have and drink water and listen to Demi. SO I only worked out once but I feel good, I’ve kept up working out at least once a day for a week already and I don’t see me stopping anytime soon. I can’t really tell much of a difference except for in my clothing and I feel better eating healthier. Gonna keep at it. Doing the Khloe diet (or a mildly adjusted version). Went to Trader Joe’s and bought healthy snacks, pita, hummus, baby spinach and all kinds of other goodies <3

Weight loss here I come. 

i had a very fantastic dream last night. woke up smiling. 

i have cramps now though so it kinda sucks. but today is going pretty good.

Exactly how I feel right now. I just finished workout #1 of the day (and the only workout of the day). I feel very overwhelmed because I ate so much today and way over my calorie count. I think the tri-tip i had today made me sluggish because it was so difficult to do the workout today. Red meat is bad!!! Tomorrow it’s back to salads and water.

I plan on going to the Rose Bowl + doing two extra workouts. And I really need to clean my room. This week I need to find some time to go to school and drop off a FAFSA document. I also need to paint the bathroom and clean my room and the office because I have made such a mess!  Any who, I need to stay motivated. Whilst doing my workout I got so disappointed and angry that I couldn’t do the moves awesome like the people in the video. Ugh such aggravation but some day soon hopefully.

i would really love a giant plate of delicious fruit, mangos watermelon, grapes, strawberries, pineapple, TODO! Just finished workout number 2 and I’m feeling good! :D Probably/ hopefully burned off all the mexican food I ate at the restaurant. 1 1/4 enchiladas rancheros with rice beans guac and chips. oh and a jarritos. Stayed under my 1100 calorie consumption a day so i don’t feel TOO bad for eating what I ate today.

I need to figure out how to maintain my hunger all day without feeling hungry because that’s when I want to binge eat. Har har har here we go. Gonna shower and wash clothes and sort my mom’s candle party orders so that they’re ready for tomorrow. Church in the morning & then my aunts for some swimming (which I probably won’t get to do because my friend is here) ughy well anyway toodaloo today was great.

I look at my brother and then I look at myself and I’m like damn we are big. Him a lot more than I am but damn!!! We must lose weight. I’m doing this no matter what! And hopefully once he sees my progress, he will follow in my footsteps. It’s so unhealthy we need to be fit! And he needs to stop being so antisocial -_- he doesn’t talk to anyone much! Not even me

haha what a stupid post i posted before this one. ANYWHO, just finished workout #1 of the day. Now it’s time to take a showah, get ready and wait for dad to pick my brother and I up for golfing & Applebees. Yesterday I had a fever, I slept a bajillion hours and feel better today. Throat still hurts but i am much better than yesterday. 

It’s times like these I wish I had a boyfriend who would come over and bring me chicken noodle soup and watch the dodgers game with me & currently this police pursuit. He’d sit here with me on the couch and tell me I’m beautiful even though I look like shit. We’d cuddle and kiss and just be together. If only. I’m waiting for you, who ever you may be. I know God has you right where he wants you at the moment. I’m patiently waiting and I hope you think of me from time to time…

this diet thing hurts, man. I so badly want to go eat a slice of pizzaaaaa that my mom bought for dinner but it’s already 8pm and i have a headache from the hunger. I obvs. didn’t eat enough today. But it’s gonna pay off….gonna load up on water and watch the d-game and try not to give in. Ate a banana so I feel a lil better. Not so throw-up/ dizzy anymore.

Just finished workout #1 of the day. When mom comes home it’s time for workout #2. Skipping church because I don’t want to get everyone in youth group sick. Tryna get better as soon as possible. I have a big day tomorrow. Dad and brother hangs, should be swell. Ugh also, I feel like I’ve been working my ASS OFF (literally) and have yet to witness results even though people keep saying wow val you look thinner. I don’t believe them because I don’t see it. Not gonna stop, ever. Until I’m a size freakin 10 or something. 4 1/2 sizes to go.

i ate so much today but i’m not exercising til tomorrow because i had a migraine today and my throat is super sore. D: which only means i MUST work out double tomorrow blahhhhh! and only salads. i will lose weight this summer. i will.